From the Book – Lovingly Arrogant

A Brief Foray into Petty Thievery

I am sitting in the newly opened Terminal 2 at London Heathrow airport awaiting my return flight home after a wonderful holiday in Provence.

I am reminiscing about mes vacances with my girlfriend in la belle France. The medieval hilltop towns, the food, the wine.

However, my most vivid memories are of pink toilet paper and ghosts.

Upon arrival at our beautiful refurbished apartment in historic Avignon, I notice the rolls of pink toilet paper in the bathroom. Four strategically placed little sentries on a shelf. I am astounded, as we banned coloured tissues and TP in Canada decades ago.  (And they don’t recycle organic waste or plastic bottles either but surely I digress).

Anyway, we dutifully go through the rosy-hued TP until we have almost run out. I cannot bring myself to buy more of the colourful bathroom accessory even though white was also available in the stores. In packages of eight.

I am thinking I can buy two more bottles of rose wine instead for the same price. I prefer my pinks to be in wine rather than TP.

So begins my foray into petty thievery. At every restaurant I visit, I steal or pique yards of toilet paper and stuff it in my purse. The frequency of my clandestine thefts is commensurate with the quality.

I go from inferior one-ply to a luxurious three-ply from the elegant Hotel La Mirande.

Each night I lovingly fold the aforementioned acquisition and place it in the basket on the shelf where the long-gone pink toilet paper rolls once sat.

Every night I would bid my little treasures a Bonne Nuit.

I then climb the narrow wrought iron staircase to my loft bedroom and sleep like an innocent baby…not like the naughty voleur or robber that I have become.

And every morning when I rise and descend the stairs to enter the bathroom, the toilet paper is gone. Disparu. Nowhere to be found.

I ask my girlfriend “Did you use up all the bathroom tissue?” (Change of words here as I am sure you are tired of the words toilet paper).

“No,” she replied. “There was lots there when I went to bed last night.”

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Reading Beyond the Lines

It is Paris in the 1830’s. I am standing outside Victor Hugo’s house in the Place des Vosges. His wife is misbehaving. Victor doesn’t know.

Last month I was heading to California during the Gold Rush with a couple of miscreant brothers who were paid assassins. They may have been tough guys but in the end, they loved their mother.

I have traversed the canals of Renaissance Venice with a midwife and have experienced the thrill of Formula One racing through the eyes of a talking dog in Seattle.

I have experienced the angst of a fallen Iranian colonel who now ekes out a desperate living in San Francisco.

I have trekked through the mountains of Afghanistan selflessly in order to build a school so that young girls can be educated.

And to think I have never had to leave my comfortable armchair once.

I travel vicariously through the books I read. And I have never had to venture far alone for I have my gals in my Book Club to accompany me.

Our gaggle of girls has whittled down to just six of us but that is how we like it. Our group is small and intimate and wonderful.

Our ages range from 50 to 66 and we come from various backgrounds and educational levels.

We vary in shape and size as well as temperament. Some are quieter than others while some of us are more loquacious.

It is the love of reading which brings us together but that which bonds us is so much deeper.

…to read more, purchase the book!

Hello Fellas, Don’t Lose Me at Hello!

Hello fellas. This is your lucky day. Here you are on ZoomerSingles looking for that perfect woman. Firstly, let me congratulate you for making such a wise decision. ZoomerSingles… for mating, dating and relating! I can’t think of a better online place to be.

You see, I know what you want. I know what you are looking for and I am here to help you!

I feel confident you are searching for that special someone with whom you can share your life. A sexy, beautiful woman who will listen to your stories and laugh at your jokes. Someone to tell you how wonderful you are and that her world is now complete now that she has met you.

You are seeking companionship and comfort and a meaningful relationship which will last until you take your final breath.

You are looking for someone to care for you and cook for you and to accept you just the way you are.

Who the hell are you kidding… we both know you want to get laid!

So fellas, that’s where I come in. I am on your side, honest!

Let me give you my top ten most useful tips on what not to do on your first coffee/lunch date. Should you choose to ignore my sage advice, trust me guys, there will never be any mattress dancing coming your way. Not now and not ever.

Firstly, when you finally meet that lucky lady for the first time, please ensure you do not reek of garlic. Stay clear of that tasty little bulb for a few days before the rendezvous unless of course she is a vampire and you are wishing to rid the world of vampires.

Secondly, may I suggest you remove the hair which is protruding from your ears prior to your anticipated meeting. If you lack the manual dexterity to do same, please be assured, that is why God invented barbers.

Do not greet said female head on trying to plant a kiss directly on her glossy lips. That is awkward and rude and you will smear her lipstick and immediately put her in a bad mood.
Within the first five minutes of your conversation, do not say “Any woman who has sex with me, must undergo tests at a free clinic… ” followed by your recitation of every sexually transmitted disease there is in the Western world.

Unlike Renee Zellwegger’s iconic response in the movie, Jerry McGuire, “… you had me at hello”, trust me fellas, you “lost her” at clamydia.

…to read more, purchase the book!