God Bless America!

September 13, 2016

I have America on my mind.

With the 15th anniversary of 9/11 fresh in our psyches, it is easy to think about our neighbours to the South.
I visited New York City for the first time in late 2000, months before the ghastly event. As I had fallen madly in love with NYC, it shook me to the core. Since then, I have had this thing for the US of A.
There are so many reasons to love the United States. Allow me to share my top five reasons why I do.
Our falling Canadian dollar notwithstanding, I recently took another road trip south of the 49th, this time to the Olympic Peninsula in Washington State. I know you are wondering how, as a poor writer, I could afford such an extravagance. Hint: having a generous boyfriend helps.
Having previously driven down the Oregon and California coasts, Washington is no different. The scenery is beautiful and the ocean is intoxicating. That is why the scenery starts off my list at number five.
Number four has to be the hotel at Tulalip Indian Reserve next to the casino. It has just been refurbished and I can honestly say, I have never stayed in such a beautiful hotel. The shower had three shower heads which hit me in all the right spots if you get my drift. The décor of Indian artwork and carvings is amazing. And you can say the word Indian all you like as it is written on the signs everywhere. You don’t have to worry about being politically correct in the Land of the Red, White and Blue.
Speaking of being politically incorrect, coming in at the number three spot is the live performance theatre, also known as the US election campaign. As my beloved Newfie satirist, Rex Murphy spouted recently on The National, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are “two black holes of ego and arrogance.” One is “calamity” and the other is “catastrophe”. You can decide which is which.
Trump is unpredictable and uncensored. But in all fairness, I have heard the Donald has brushed up on his foreign policy and wants to treat his neighbours fairly; to wit, he has decided to build a wall along the Canadian border as well as the Mexican one. Of course, we will have to pay for said wall but the dear Donald will allow us to pay in Canadian dollars. How’s that for generosity!
He will be off the radar for a few days as he flies to London, England to consult with Boris Johnson, the British Foreign Secretary. Discussion about building walls you ask? No, it will be a mutual consultation on how to style their bizarre coifs.
I think the press has been a little hard on our Hillary though, who at 68, maintains an exhausting timetable. This is a lady whose motto is “Stand by Your Man”, a song written by the late Tammy Wynette, who should know. She had five husbands. Anyway, Hillary continues to stand, (whereas dear Monica allegedly kneeled), despite wilting in the New York heat.
Coming in at the number two spot at 110 calories a piece, is Almond Joy, those tasty coconut bite-size delicacies covered with chocolate with a crunchy almond smack in the middle. You can buy them in Super-size packaging. Looking at the shape of many Americans I encountered, I would suggest they have done the same.
And the number one reason why I love the US of A? Toilet seat covers! On every toilet. Who needs guns when you have toilet seat covers!
God Bless America.